Clinton ends affirmative action for white people, calling them "lazy, violent, and undeserving"

WASHINGTON D.C. -- In a breathtaking speech on Wednesday, President Hillary Rodham Clinton proposed landmark legislation that promises to finally abolish America's system of affirmative action for white people, calling them "lazy, violent, and undeserving."

"When it comes to college admissions, the criminal justice system, and the job market, white people have got to stop playing the race card. Despite having every advantage, they underperform in comparison to people of color. It's time to level the playing field," she said.

Clinton said that after centuries of oppressing non-whites through settler colonialism, enslavement, Jim Crow segregation, and gerrymandering, white people in America "have enjoyed enough privilege."

"If you, as a white person, aren't scoring a 2100 on the SAT, then you don't deserve to go to Harvard," she said. 

Clinton then listed white people who have gone on to win awards, fortunes, and recognition who "don't have a tenth of the talent of their non-white competitors," including Casey Affleck, Macklemore, failed GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump, Governor Rick Perry, former President George W. Bush, Iggy Izalea, the Koch brothers, Fyre Festival's Billy McFarland, Miley Cyrus, Charlie Sheen, Seth McFarlane, Kendall Jenner, Tucker Carlson, Alex Jones, Kylie Jenner, Fred Durst, Sarah Palin, Michael Bay, Laurence Fink, Donald Trump Jr., Terry Richardson, Betsy Devos, Kid Rock, every white trader on Wall Street, Conrad Hilton, Ryan Seacrest, David Brooks, Jared Kushner, Bella Hadid, Jill Stein, and Justin Beiber.

"These peoples' success is a testament to how unfair our country is. In the United States, white people are born on third base. It's time to even the playing field," she said.

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