Trump to be covered under Clinton’s new health plan despite pre-existing stupidity

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Late last week, the House passed President Hillary Rodham Clinton’s new universal health care plan with sweeping bipartisan support, but supporters on the left worry it will benefit Clinton’s political opponents.  

On Twitter, losing former candidate Donald Trump was quick to criticize the bill from his hotel room in Russia. “Healthcare is tremendously easy, everyone knows that. Everyone except crooked Hillary. This bill is already a huge disaster,” he shouted through his puckered face hole in a video interview with Fox & Friends.

Similar to his past interviews, Trump offered no details, solutions, or insights, nor did he utter words that could be construed as meeting the threshold for “thought” according to the Western intellectual tradition. 

Neera Tanden, president of the Center for American Progress, also pointed out that Trump furthermore failed to realize that Clinton’s new plan would continue to cover everyone regardless of pre-existing conditions, including stupidity - “a condition Donald Trump famously suffers from.”

According to family doctors, Trump has shown signs of stupidity since early childhood, but was not formally diagnosed until the twice bankrupted, thrice married reality-TV star entered what doctors describe as “biological if not developmental adulthood.” Ironically, the fact that he exclusively consumes Fox News and Breitbart masked his symptoms. Given his news diet, doctors say it’s nearly it’s “extremely likely” that his underlying, potentially lethal case of stupidity will only progress.  

President Clinton’s healthcare bill now moves to the Senate, where it is expected to pass easily. The new plan, which is premised on universal coverage, has been lauded by medical experts and policymakers alike for its vast reach, commitment to progressive principles, and economic ingenuity. The CBO concluded that the bill would create a healthier population, which would boost the economy and essentially pay for itself in 5 years.

Highlights of the bill include paid maternity leave, Medicaid expansion, and increased funding for women’s reproductive health. To offset costs, Viagra will no longer be covered by most plans, though abortions, contraception and rape kits will be free.

Soon-to-be-former Speaker of the House Paul Ryan could not be reached for comment. He was last seen sweat-sobbing while ferociously doing split squats at his local gym in D.C.