Steve Bannon, Mike Cernovich, and Roger Stone lead first annual Alt-Right Circle Jerk

NEW YORK -- It was a huge, semen-stained week for white supremacy this week as prominent rightwing psychopaths Steve Bannon, Mike Cernovich, and Roger Stone headlined the first annual "Alt-Right Circle Jerk," a festival celebrating racist penises and their sticky issue. 

According to the organizers, the purpose of the festival - other than attendees' jerking each other off - was to create a safe space for the Klu Klux Klan to discuss its 2017-18 calendar and share cutting edge memes based on Nazi propaganda.

"We want it to be like 4Chan, but in real life," said Cernovich, the father of Pizzagate.

Bannon, whose face resembled a rotting tomato, said, “We’re very excited to begin creating false narratives to shove down the throats of the uneducated and gullible. I’m also really anxious to finally have someone, other than myself, touch my decaying junk.”

Outside of the Bannon-Cernovich-Stone circle jerk, there were several sub-jerks where neo-Nazis spewed hateful rhetoric until they came. Richard Spencer was seen migrating from one circle jerk to the next proffering his brand of confederate mouth garbage as well as an extra hand.

The event took place in Mike Cernovich’s unfinished basement. While failed presidential candidate Donald Trump tweeted about the “thousands in attendance,” only 18 people were confirmed to be at the festival.

“I wish we could fit more, but I don’t have a lot of room down here,” Cernovich continued, “I guess I could’ve cleared those 30 boxes out, but like that’s where I keep all my old VHS plantation porn.”

Breibart live-streamed the festival. “This is an exciting day for me,” said Gonzo-the-Muppet doppelgänger Roger Stone, “We’re just a bunch of guys being guys: bitching about President Hillary Rodham Clinton, plotting out truly dangerous conspiracy theories, and badmouthing black people, all while grabbing each other’s throbbing dicks.”