Bill O'Reilly's new book is just 300 pages of apologies to women

MANHATTAN -- Sexual assaulter and conservative blowhard Bill O’Reilly’s newest book “Killing Bill O’Reilly: Examining My Life of Hypocrisy” was released on Thursday. In a shocking departure from his previous work, the Fox News star abandons his proudly sexist holier-than-thou shtick, taking on an introspective and apologetic tone.

According to New York Times book critic Michiko Kakutani, the book features more than 300 pages of apologies to women whom he personally victimized, including Rep. Maxine Waters and Megyn Kelly, and concludes with an open letter to President Hillary Rodham Clinton begging for her forgiveness.

One astonishing excerpt reads, “When I first read Margaret Atwood's Handmaid's Tale 20 years ago, I thought she'd created the ideal society: male theocracy. But in the years since, I've had a change of heart, and now realize how hypocritical it is to tout ‘family values’ and conservative Christian views while simultaneously trying to engage in illicit affairs behind my now ex-wife’s back.” The newly contrite O’Reilly continues, “I’m also aware of how my unwanted and unsolicited advances on female colleagues negatively affected their lives, happiness, sense of safety, and created a workplace in which women were never truly equal. For that I am truly sorry.”

When Readers Digest asked O’Reilly what prompted him to write an apology book, he responded, “One of my accusers asked what would I do if I found out someone was treating my daughter the way I treat female colleagues. I honestly never thought about it like that. Usually, I only think about myself. I like my daughter, and I don’t want her to be sexually assaulted. Making the connection between my daughter and other women was a real wake up call for me.”

O’Reilly promised to donate all book proceeds to charities helping victims of domestic abuse, Bill Cosby, failed candidate Donald Trump, and his friend and former Fox News Chairman Roger Ailes.

“I looked in the mirror and I saw a man who was living a lie,” O’Reilly told reporters. “Behind my angry and self-righteous rhetoric was a sad little boy who acted inappropriately for decades.”

When asked whether President Hillary Rodham Clinton would grant O’Reilly’s plea for forgiveness, White House Press Secretary Leslie Jones responded, “Nah.”