Redemption: Mitch McConnell allows homeless to live under his neck skin

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has found a new use for his time since his failed endorsement of presidential candidate Donald Trump: allowing homeless Americans to live under his excess neck skin.

McConnell's pastor, Evan Lightbrenner, calls McConnell's decision "a definite step in the right direction." Lightbrenner went on to note that McConnell has so far lived a rather unscrupulous life. The pastor likened McConnell's odds of reaching Heaven to a coin toss.

According to recent polling by Gallup, McConnell's constituents in Kentucky have seen a significant improvement in the quality of their lives under President Hillary Rodham Clinton. Even still, the state has a long way to go after years of neglect under McConnell’s representation. 

“McConnell’s skin fold is warmer than the cardboard box I was living in last year,” explained Fred Nugent, a homeless Kentuckian. “It’s like being back in my mama’s womb.” CNN political pundits have emphasized the significance of Nugent's reference to a “mother’s womb,” given that McConnell’s neck actually resembles an elderly vagina.

“I think I can fit between 5 and 10 people comfortably under my neck at a time,” revealed McConnell, “It feels good to finally give back to the people I've spent my entire career screwing over.”

“Yeah, no, McConnell is still an asshole,” replied Fred Nugent.