Melania to head new agency: Victims of Intimacy with Donald (VOID)

PALM BEACH -- President Hillary Clinton has chosen Melania Trump to head a new federal agency, Victims of Intimacy with Donald (VOID). The agency's role will be to identify and allocate restitutions to the thousands of women who are haunted by images of failed presidential candidate Donald Trump's naked, orange body.

"Though my former husband has fled into the arms of Vladmir Putin, VOID is needed to help women across the nation who -- like me -- have felt the unwanted obsession of this deplorable man," Melania explained at a press conference about the agency Thursday morning.

A recent study by The American Journal of Women's Health has estimated that nearly 95 percent of women who have been intimate with Trump report feelings of disgust. "I just couldn't stop vomiting," explained one study participant. "For three hours I vomited. When there was nothing left, I would sip water to ease the discomfort of the dry-heaving."

The agency will offer restitutions to all women who have had physical interactions with the would-be president. "I never once had an orgasm," shuddered Melania, who currently resides with Chelsea Clinton, the daughter of President Clinton, at the Mar-a-Lago estate recently vacated by her ex-husband.  Part of Melania's duties at VOID will be to sell off her ex-husband's extensive U.S. holdings to fund the agency.