Canadians learn from U.S. election, ban all-caps tweets after polite debate

OTTAWA -- Canada’s parliament voted unanimously on Wednesday to ban all-cap tweets after politicians observed their terrifying misuse in the recent US presidential election.

The decision, which parliament made during an emergency session, is being welcomed by Canada's worried social media users, who feared that the continued proliferation of all-caps tweets might undermine democracy.

“All Canadian Twitter users can now breathe a little easier,” tweeted Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, while deftly using capital letters only where grammatically appropriate. 

The debate was heated at times, but only by Canadian standards, with the Speaker of the House gently reminding opposing politicians twice to use their inside voices. 

During the discussion, Conservative Party backbenchers sought to exempt “idiots with limited means of expression and children five-years and younger” – groups, they said, whose Twitter communications would be severely hampered if they were forced to switch between upper and lower cases.

Federal New Democrats also motioned for an exception, arguing that, “all-caps are sometimes needed for legitimate, peaceful purposes, for instance to tweet a simple folksy phrase like ‘NASCAR RULZ!’ or when tweeting at millennials, who routinely misplace their hipster reading glasses.”

Both motions were voted down after Prime Minister Trudeau made an impassioned plea using a PowerPoint presentation that featured graphic, disturbing imagery: five all-caps Tweets written by failed Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump.

The effect was instant.

"We can't have this kind of thing in our elections!" cried one member, politely.

In the end, shocked and sobered Members of Parliament from all sides set aside their differences and passed the stringent measure. "Hopefully, thanks to this visionary legislation, Canadians will never be subjected the use of angry, semi-literate Tweets by obviously unqualified candidates during federal elections or day-to-day life," said Trudeau.