J Lo and Taylor Swift to collaborate on Drake’s next romance
LOS ANGELES -- According to MTV News, Jennifer Lopez and Taylor Swift are joining forces to work on Drake's next tabloid romance.
The superstars' upcoming collaboration remains untitled. But Lopez, who has often referred to herself as Swift's cisgender mentor, told MTV's Hanif Willis-Abdurraqib that the female mega-celebrities are delighted to help Drake get his career back on track.
"Look, I believe in Drake. But he needs a comeback, bad," she said, noting that after an early string of hits with Rihanna, Nicky Minaj, and Serena Williams, Drake hasn't captured gossip magazines' interest since his embarrassing overture to Doris Burke.
Music industry analysts say Swift's and Lopez's intervention couldn't come at a better time: "Drake has remained in the headlines thanks to publicity stunts like his recent playlist 'More Life,' but he's failed to generate a credible tabloid romance for three years," one insider told MTV News.
In the previous six months, Swift and Lopez have both made half-hearted guest appearances on Drake's Instagram account in the hopes of resuscitating Drake's fading romantic career.
But both highly ambiguous couplings received mixed reviews from Jezebel's preeminent tabloid critics Kara Brown, Bobby Finger, and Clover Hope.
According to MTV News, Swift and Lopez realized that Drake's brand of male heterosexuality is so damaged, it was beyond their ability to fix as individuals.
"We need to combine forces," Lopez told Swift in an email after receiving a frantic call from Drake, who drunkenly sobbed, "I just want the public to see me as A-list boyfriend material, the way they see Meek Mill."
According to a series of 49 celebrity gossip tweets that New York Times music critic Jon Caramanica has obsessively viewed but not retweeted, Swift and Lopez are working on a song about the challenge of finding Drake a suitable fauxmantic partner. The track is tentatively titled, “Champagne Papi’s Fairy Squadmothers,” though Refinery 29 reports that Drake, who prides himself on his progressive attitudes towards menstruation and pregnancy, is urging them to consider, "Ladies be OVO-lating."
According to Variety, Swift and Lopez are also holding an audition for the role of Drake’s next celebrity girlfriend in New York City April 9th. It’s open to all women over 5’7” but under 135 lbs. "You must have supermodel looks, at least 43,000 Instagram followers, terrific dance abilities, perfect teeth, mastery of the piccolo, and no knowledge of Kendrick Lamar."
