Texas sprints to test its rape kit backlog ahead of Clinton’s visit

AUSTIN –- Crime labs all over Texas are processing rape kits around the clock, apparently spurred on by President Hillary Rodham Clinton’s unexpected plan to visit the state later this week.

“The President expressed interest in visiting crime labs, so we want to be able to put our best foot forward,” said a spokesman for the Austin Police Department during a press conference. “Our analysts are doing excellent work.”

When asked how many sexual assault kits have been left untested, the spokesperson was not able to give an exact number. For the Austin Police Department alone, recent reports show that there are 4,000 total DNA samples which have yet to be tested, a number which includes 3,300 untested rape kits.

“The prosecutors have a lot of priorities, and if a person accepts a plea bargain, there is often no need to test a kit,” the spokesman explained. “For example, if the defense attorney for the alleged rapist can humiliate the so-called victim enough, well, you know.”

After taking a brief pause, the spokesman developed a manic look in his eyes, suddenly defensive at the thought that anyone would ever consider the work of a police department to be unethical. “It's not like they have to test every DNA sample that comes in, people. We have limited resources! We certainly make sure to test all the kits in which the alleged rapist is non-white, of course,” the spokesperson revealed.

The press conference abruptly ended after this comment, as an officer pulled the spokesman aside and wished everyone a good day.