Clinton: Sex education must include the phrase “condoms work”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- On Monday, President Hillary Rodham Clinton instructed Congress that she would veto any bill providing funding for sex education that fails to include the phrase "condoms work." She specified that the two words -- "condoms" and "work" -- must appear "repeatedly, together, and in the right order," in all materials provided to students.

“We must educate our young people on how to protect themselves from disease and unplanned pregnancies,” Clinton said, in a speech at Anacostia High School in Washington, D.C. "And protection can be fun! There's all different kinds...flavored ones even!" After a wave of "eww" from the crowd, the president begrudgingly changed gears.

Clinton has expressed concern at the inconsistent and misleading information taught in public high schools across the nation, and has pointed out that many states do not teach safe sex at all. “I know that many Americans do not believe in using birth control,” Clinton admitted. She went on to joke, “If you are one of them...you really should reconsider." 

Senator Ted Cruz reacted on Facebook Live with a contorted face and drawn-out syllables. “Ew! That’s gross!” he exclaimed, while watching the televised speech with other conservative Congressmen. Senator Mitch McConnell stated his opposition forcefully, saying “I'll remind the president that education is under the authority of the states. I can’t believe she made these tawdry comments in a high school where innocent children might hear her.”