Barbara Bush forbids grandchildren from blighting network television

KENNEBUNKPORT -- Barbara Bush, the ancient and all-powerful matriarch who has long ruled over the Bush political dynasty, reportedly issued a new rule forbidding her 14 grandchildren from "darkening television screens in homes across America going forward."

The new rule was written with a fountain pen on stock paper so thick, "that it at once felt both incredibly heavy and liquid smooth, like a diamond made of milk," according to a Kennebunkport butler who spoke to Page Six on condition of anonymity.

According to Page Six, NBC News correspondent Jenna Bush responded to her grandmother's edict stoically, while Billy Bush, formerly of Access Hollywood and NBC's Today show, cried.