Denzel Washington wins Oscar for Best Actor, Casey Affleck enters sexual harassment rehab

LOS ANGELES -- To literally no one’s surprise, Denzel Washington - the actor, director, producer and man People has ranked "Most Capable Man Alive" for 20 consecutive years - won his 3rd Oscar last night for his starring role in the critically acclaimed drama Fences, which he also directed. 

Meanwhile, Casey Affleck, who recently pulled out of the "Best Actor" race to work on his attitudes toward women, has entered sexual harassment rehab, a source close to the actor said.

Doctors at the Hollywood rehab facility, which has also unsuccessfully treated notorious domestic abusers Johnny Depp and Chris Brown, forced him to cut off his greasy man bun upon his admission, citing hygiene concerns.

In his acceptance speech, Washington thanked producers Todd Black and Scott Rubin, the family of August Wilson, now-deceased writer of the play by the same name, which inspired the film, and, per custom, his director, who just happened to be himself. "You know, I just want to give myself a pat on the back. You go Denzel, you directed a good ass film," he said as he, indeed, patted his shoulder with a twinkle in his eye. No one was mad.