Clinton admits she fought ISIS in two previous lives

WASHINGTON D.C. -- On Friday, President Hillary Rodham Clinton made a stunning disclosure about her spiritual history, telling reporters that the rumors of her longstanding opposition to ISIS were, at least, partially true: "While, this time, I've only been engaged in the fight against the Islamic State for fifteen years, I did indeed fight ISIS in two previous lives," she said. 

Disgraced former United States Army General Stanley McCrystal said the revelation that Clinton fought ISIS in two previous lives explains a lot. "She's got eerily good judgement, and now I see why. After all, she's very experienced," he said.

Clinton's admission was provoked during an unusually thrilling White House press conference thanks to a heated exchange with Heatstreet's premier rightwing fanfiction writer Emily Zanotti. Zanotti has faced ridicule for "delusively denying that Donald J. Trump lost the election to Hillary Clinton by 3 million votes," according to Politifact.

Since Clinton wisely decided against raiding Yemen two weeks ago, telling generals the plan was "hair-brained, ill-thought through and destined for failure," military brass, intelligence officers and foreign allies have praised her military judgement and strategic acuity.

While ISIS has been demoralized since Clinton took office, her prescient decision to abort the Yemen raid has raised suspicion in other quarters, with rightwing news outlets accusing Clinton of "knowing more than we do" and "hiding things from the public." 

When it was Zannoti's turn to address the president, she quoted Trump, whose election loss she cannot accept, and accused the president of "fighting ISIS her whole adult life," then demanded Clinton explicate her strategy in Yemen, yelling, "What witchery was this?"