Mike Pence’s latest hobby: Gardening with Grindr matches

SOUTH BEND – Mike Pence has largely evaded the public eye since November, when the former governor came out as gay to Bulge after he and Donald Trump lost handily to President Hillary Rodham Clinton and Tim Kaine in the presidential election.

In his first interview since that crushing defeat, the failed GOP Vice Presidential nominee sat down with Anderson Cooper in his newly planted garden to discuss life, post-election. A portion of that interview has been transcribed below, exclusively for our readers:

AC: Thank you, Governor Pence, for inviting me to your beautiful home. This garden is absolutely stunning.

MP: Well, thank you, Andy. Can I call you Andy?

AC: Well, to be honest, I’d really prefer Anders—

MP: Andy baby, this garden is my legacy. And it is my distinct privilege to have you here. 

AC: Well, sir, I have to ask, right off the bat – who are those shirtless men doing garden work for you?

MP: Well aren’t you a curious one? [Giggles] I met each and every one of those fine young hunks on a new phone app. [Pulls out phone, reveals Grindr]

AC: And Governor, you are aware that Grindr is a dating app for gay men, right?

MP: Well I don’t know if that’s true. But they certainly do enjoy me. And I enjoy them, looking at their sweaty bodies in this hot weather. Thank God for global warming, am I right, Andy?

AC: So you believe in global warming?

MP: I believe in all sorts of crazy things. I’m a Christian, after all.

AC: Right. So, Governor Pence, what’s next for you?

MP: Well Andy, I invited you here hoping it would be you. [Smashes closed fists together, extends tongue]

AC: . . . Umm . . .

MP: [Giggles] Aww shucks Andy, I hope you know I’m just teasin’ you! [Pause] Dagnabbit, you make it so hard for me, Andy. [Another pause] Sometimes I swear you make me wanna just…slap you across the face…with a zucchini or something. [A third pause] Could I tempt you to come inside…with me… right now? I’d love to be a little more intimate…for the interview.

AC: Actually… Donald Trump just said something totally crazy. I’ve got to go…report on it. But thank you. This was very…enlightening!

MP: You know you’re welcome anytime, Andy.