Russian Federation sues Trump for $500 million in outstanding loans

MOSCOW -- It's looking like a tough January for Donald J. Trump. On top of his problems with the EPA, the IRS, and his ongoing baby-daddy drama, the Wall Street Journal is reporting that the Russian Federation is about to file suit against the thoroughly defeated former Republican presidential candidate for $500 million in "outstanding loans."

According to the Wall Street Journal report, Russia claims it loaned the twice-bankrupted alleged billionaire more than $500 million over the course of the campaign "to finance election sabotage, felony wire-tapping, the candidate's budget for prostitutes, the Wikileaks slush fund, and any legal costs arising from U.S. Attorneys charging Donald Trump and/or his surrogates with treason."

While the Russians acknowledge Putin was prepared to pay Trump a success fee of "two hotels in Aleppo" in the event he won the election, Trump's mortified Kremlin backers now appear determined to get back the money they lavished on the Republican's unsuccessful bid against President Hillary Rodham Clinton, who trounced Trump in November by 3 million votes.

Indeed, according to sources close to the Kremlin, Russian Federation President Vladamir Putin is incensed that the money he spent trying to buy Trump's election had "so little effect on the election's outcome. From a financial perspective, the exorbitant fees we paid to Steve Bannon in return for writing the campaign's Ukraine policy are particularly galling." 

Trump's lawyers are contesting the suit, and on Twitter, the former candidate said, "the Russian Ruble is toilet paper that I use at Maralago. SAAD."

In other news, Trump's suit against the American electorate is still pending, and Roman Polanski confirms that the reality TV star's membership in Accused Rapists Anonymous - the world's premier organization for powerful men who find themselves repeatedly accused of sexual assault - remains in good-standing.