Gays feel safe

SOUTHAVEN, MS – Cisgender gay men and women in Southaven, Minnesota – a city notorious for its hostility toward the LGBTQAI* community – report feeling “safer” since President Hillary Rodham Clinton took office.

“I almost feel comfortable being myself!” said one gay resident, who requested anonymity, just in case.

“I wore nail polish outside yesterday and didn’t get harassed!” he added.

Since failed Republican candidate Donald Trump lost the election, area lesbians are also experiencing a decline in straight men forcing them to make out with each other. With enhanced security surrounding lesbian visibility, local L.L. Bean stores are experiencing an all-time high in flannel sales. Little progress has been made in the local debate over whether Santa Claus is more likely to be real than bisexuals; Southavenites still report holding more faith in the reality of Father Christmas.