Indiana Gov. Mike Pence comes out as gay

INDIANA – To the shock of no one, former Indiana Governor and failed GOP Vice Presidential candidate Mike Pence came out to the nation as gay this morning, attributing his longstanding hatred of women and the LGBTQIA* community as the byproducts of internalized homophobia.

In an interview with Bulge, Pence came clean about conversion therapy, noting that, despite his hopes, he tried it and “it doesn’t work.” He cited his conservatism as a coping mechanism for his "uncontrollable worship for the male penis and discomfort with the vagina," and has pledged to reform his ways, beginning with his stance on abortion. Pence asked that women “stop sending [him] their bloody tampons” because he “get[s] it now.”

Pence credits famed CNN heartthrob Anderson Cooper the driving factor in his coming out.