EPA accuses failed presidential candidate Trump of damaging ozone, snuffing hairspray

NEW YORK – The Environmental Protection Agency is bringing charges against failed Republican presidential candidate Trump for damaging the ozone through his "truly reckless" use of decades-old hairspray.

The EPA has just received confirmation that Trump has been plumping his thinning head-fox with hairspray from the 1980s. Trump’s hairspray of choice was banned in 1996, along with all aerosol sprays which employ chlorofluorocarbons as propellants.

CFCs are known to destroy the ozone layer and expedite the process of global warming. Trump, who believes the theory of global warming was “created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive." Trump said he is “just trying to support American manufacturers,” even though the hairspray is no longer in production and was produced by a Chinese manufacturer.

Psychologists speculate that Trump’s overuse of hairspray, particularly of hairspray from a lost decade, is indicative of his longing for social relevance, which he last held in 1987.