Fox News anchors honor Roger Ailes’ memory by molesting lesser-paid female coworkers with impunity, better lawyers

NEW YORK CITY -- A wave of sadness passed over Fox News headquarters last month as senior staff learned that their former leader, Chairman and CEO Roger Ailes, had died.

“Everyone here has been despondent,” said Tucker Carlson.  "Brett Baier's been coming to work drunk. Steve Doocy talked about cutting himself," Carlson recalled. This is the most depressed we’ve been since Election Night, when Hillary Rodham Clinton defeated Trump by 3 million votes and we had to cancel our Koch Brothers Victory Party." 

They needed to find a way to pay tribute to Ailes, the media genius who brought rape and racism into the mainstream.

“After us guys got together, we realized the best way to honor Roger would be to live just as he had,” said Fox News anchorman Sean Hannity in an interview with NYMag's Gabriel Sherman. 

“The man was larger than life. Literally. He had a huge appetite for food, wine, and terrified younger women. He didn't believe in the word, 'no.' Therefore, we've instituted a new workplace tradition whereby every morning, each of us will ruthlessly berate, grope, and sexually molest one of our female employees to pay homage to Roger’s larger-than-law desires.” 

When asked how they felt about this new Roger Ailes-inspired tradition, for the most part, Fox's female employees were nonplussed. Many responded by shrugging their shoulders, while more established on-air personalities seemed genuinely confused as to the significance of the gesture.

“So, basically it’s going to be like every other Thursday?” asked host of The Five, Kimberly Guilfoyle.

On the other hand, Megyn Kelly was so upset by Fox's "rape culture," she furiously quit her primetime slot at Fox News to take a job at NBC.

Tucker Carlson said Roger Ailes would have approved of Kelly's departure. "She was getting too fat, anyway," he said.