Clinton signs executive order mandating gender-neutral bathrooms in public schools, NASA spacecraft, and video games

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Hillary Rodham Clinton signed an executive order on Thursday mandating the provision of gender-neutral bathrooms in schools receiving government funds, video games, and all government-funded space programs. Clinton told reporters she decided to throw the might of the White House behind the mandate after being advised by groundbreaking actress, activist and soon to be first transgender astronaut in space Laverne Cox.

"No one should feel unsafe when performing the most basic of human functions," said Clinton in an address to Congress earlier today. "Gender is fluid, and we have a duty to our fellow Americans to recognize and accommodate this veritable fact."

Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee immediately denounced the executive order. "It's sent shockwaves through the conservative community, where we are good at dismissing and ridiculing the violence transgender citizens are subjected to thanks to our archaic genital determinism fallacy," he said on Fox & Friends.

"I am scared to pee in front of women," he concluded.

Clinton aides report that the president is determined to alter attitudes toward gender nonconforming citizens, as she, a human being, finds it unacceptable that the suicide attempt rate within the trans and gender nonconforming community is a staggering 41%.

"I'm incredibly grateful to have had the honor to work closely with the president on this executive order," said Cox. "Though it will of course take time, I have hope that this will ease the lives of transgender youth across the country."

The Westboro Baptist Church was unavailable for comment.