Clinton proposes tax penalizing inconsiderate people who don't respond to texts within reasonable timeframes

WASHINGTON D.C. -- On Tuesday, President Hillary Rodham Clinton proposed a visionary new tax designed to penalize highly inconsiderate people who do not respond to texts within reasonable timeframes.

Already, Tindr has announced it will spend $3 billion dollars lobbying against the law on behalf of insensitive lovers.

Nicknamed the "Timewaster Tax," this bill is part of a bold new package of legislative reform designed to improve all aspects of the cell phone experience.

White House Press Secretary Leslie Jones extolled the bill's virtues, bragging that polls show "89 percent of Americans approve of the tax, except for your brother Rick, and everybody knows it takes Rick too damn long to reply to your texts.”

On Tuesday, President Hillary Rodham Clinton herself praised the tax as a vital step in creating “a more prosperous, peaceful, and harmonious world.”

Interestingly, the bill is being hailed on both the right and the left. Meanwhile, Representative Peter T. King (R-NY), a misogynist nutjob who hates Hillary Clinton, told Politico that he's a huge fan of her latest proposal, calling himself the leader of the "Make Me Happy: Text Back Snappy" congressional caucus.  Asked what he thinks of people who habitually fail to respond promptly to his texts, King yelled, “Who do they think they are? They think they're better than me?” before entering into a rage-induced heart attack.

Neera Tanden of the Center for American Progress, called it "a revolutionary example of Clinton's detail-oriented approach to policy." 

Likewise, in deep red Texas, life-long Republican and anti-tax activist Thomas Price told a Gizmodo reporter that he's a strong supporter of Clinton's text tax bill, saying, “If my friend asks me to do lunch, I confirm, and then I don’t hear back, then his assets should be forfeited, his accounts frozen, and a 40% tax rate should be applied on all his net income," adding, "that's just fair.”

Clinton said revenues raised by the tax will be redirected to spelling and grammar education programs, ensuring that millions of Americans who text "continue to enjoy a higher quality of life. We're working toward a stronger, more educated, more beautiful America in which the emoticon is a playful literary choice, not a badge of illiteracy," she said.