Texas Governor Greg Abbott pleasantly surprised to learn that Planned Parenthood carries free condoms

AUSTIN, TX – When you’re in the mood, you’re in the mood.

For Texas Governor Greg Abbott, the mood struck late Monday evening after leaving a fundraising event with key Republican donors at a restaurant near the state capitol. After making small talk and consuming a number of whiskey sours over the course of the evening, Abbott was feeling amorous and greatly wanted to share this feeling with his wife, Cecilia. Unfortunately for the governor, he hadn’t anticipated this feeling and thus was unprepared to act on it.

“That’s when my wife pointed out a Planned Parenthood on the road,” said Abbott. “I told her I wanted nothing to do with this insidious abortion factory but she told me they actually gave out free contraceptives for men. As a fiscal conservative, I’m always looking to save money and this seemed like a prime opportunity to do so.”

A skeptical Abbott was greatly surprised by what he found inside the health clinic, one of only three in the entire state. “I had no idea that Planned Parenthood offered free condoms,” said the governor. “If I had known this I totally would have taken advantage of this during my college days. Now that would have saved me some awkward conversations, if you know what I mean!”

After taking an excessive number of condoms, Abbott thanked the receptionist and returned to his automobile. Unfortunately, his wife had fallen asleep, leaving prospects for late evening romance seemingly unlikely.

“Oh well,” sighed a visibly disappointed Abbott. “At least I’ll be prepared for next time.”

Abbott’s wife appeared to briefly smile when she heard the governor’s resignation.