New Yorker: "No one should make fun of The Onion despite its total lack of ovaries since election"

NEW YORK CITY -- In a scathing critique of The Onion post-election, The New Yorker's Charles Bethea made a startling claim about his rivals in political satire. Bethea argues that contributors for The Onion are unable to generate high-quality satire about Donald Trump, who the freelance "journalist" seems to believe won November's presidential election. 

The Onion's Editor-in-Chief Cole Bolton responded quickly, questioning Bethea's mental state and pointing out that the 'President Donald Trump' in his imagination is the likely manifestation of severe cognitive dissonance. "Bethea's just upset that we didn't accept him when he applied to write for us last year," revealed Bolton. "He wasn't all that funny to begin with, but we were only looking to hire a National Account Executive at the time!" 

Bethea seems to pity The Onion, utterly consumed by the notion that Donald Trump is president. He believes The Onion fails to satirize Trump not because the loud orange man has been out of the spotlight since his failed bid for the presidency, but rather because satirists at "America's Finest News Source" are afraid to make fun of the president. 

Bolton argues that such claims are ridiculous: "The Onion has satirized the real president -- Hillary Clinton -- since the moment she first won the election."  He points to some of the headlines published on the day after the election for evidence. Two of his favorites: “Desperate woman settles for asshole nation without much money" and "‘Now, Sisters, Destroy These Tools of Our Oppression!’ Shrieks Victorious Hillary Clinton While Brandishing Fistful of Severed Penises."

While HBT refuses to take a side in this satirical rivalry, we can confirm Bethea's confusion about our nation's leaders. Hillary Rodham Clinton defeated Donald Trump handily in the election, winning by a landslide of 3 million votes.