EPA charges Scott Pruitt with ecoterrorism: “Deepwater Horizon and Exxon Valdez have nothing on this guy”

OKLAHOMA CITY— The Environmental Protection Agency announced Wednesday that it was charging Scott Pruitt with five felony ecoterrorism charges - crimes that could earn the Oklahoma Attorney General a five-year prison term if convicted. 

In a press release, EPA Director Bill Nye the Science Guy said, “In Pruitt’s career as a state attorney general, he has single-handedly done more damage to America’s natural resources than bonafide environmental disasters like Exxon Valdez and Deepwater Horizon.”

The fallout was swift. According to the Oklahoman, as of 4 p.m. on Wednesday, Pruitt announced he’d resigned from public office, shocking his constituency, his family, friends, and political allies in the “Kill Pandas and Bald Eagles Society.” 

In a dramatic Facebook post entitled "Mother Earth's Revenge," Pruitt proclaimed himself “a changed soul” who could “no longer support the state and federal policies I advocated when I was a young man in his sixties hellbent on destroying our planet.”

Completing this stunning pivot, Pruitt concluded his post saying he plans to dedicate the rest of his life to “doing whatever it takes to halt Big Oil!”

When Facebook user Tom Potter asked Pruitt if he’d undergone a genuine change of heart or if he was merely changing his tune to avoid jail time, Pruitt responded, “I understand that the issue of my serving prison time makes passionate environmentalists like me uncomfortable, but the time has passed where we can sit idly by and watch these corporations continue to decimate our natural resources. Peaceful protesting is fine, but now is a time for action!”

Pressed further, Pruitt stated that to avoid “reinventing the wheel”, he was considering joining either Greenpeace, Earth First!, or the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement (VHMET, pronounced “vehement.”) 

“Tremendous work is being done by all three groups,” Pruitt noted. He went on to say, however, that he was leaning toward joining VHMET, because “you know, there’s just something especially appealing about human extinction!”