Terrified Putin orders adult diapers ahead of G7 meeting with President Clinton

MOSCOW -- Russian President Vladimir Putin excels at intimidation, but struggles with incontinence. So it should come as no surprise to Kremlinologists that he's ordering a special range of custom-made adult diapers to wear at this week's G7 meeting, where he'll be forced to meet with American President Hillary Rodham Clinton.

If his defensive game is on point, his offensive game remains murky: Unfortunately for Putin, there seems to be no clear way to intimidate U.S. President Hillary Clinton.

“Putin is a former member of the KGB and now oppressive authoritarian ruler of Russia, so he always seems to know his opponents’ weakness,” explained psychologist Samantha Sounders. “Once identified, Putin then uses this weakness to put himself in a position of power and authority. He did this in 2007 when he brought out his dog to a meeting with Angela Merkel in an effort to play into Merkel’s deep fear of the animal.”

But, according to Moscow, Clinton has no known achilles heel.

“Recently, there have been reports that Vladimir Putin has been berating his key government officials who have been unable to identify any potential weakness of President Clinton,” stated Russia Today’s Ed Schultz. “Putin’s team has gone back though nearly three decades of research in all the insults and insinuations that were levied against her and nothing seemed to throw her off her game. Putin even took notice of how failed presidential candidate Donald Trump brought out alleged victims of Bill Clinton ahead of the October 9th presidential debate, only to see Clinton wipe the floor with the failed businessman and casino owner.”

“If it’s true that Putin cannot intimidate Clinton, he will most likely resort to infantile behavior,” noted Sounders. “This could include name-calling, making faces, nervous laughter, and involuntary peeing. If that ends up happening you’ll know that Vladimir Putin is truly terrified of President Clinton.”

Putin was contacted for comment, but immediately hung up the phone and wet himself when he heard the term ‘President Hillary Clinton.’