Rumor: Kellyanne Conway dating Brock Turner

STANFORD – Brock Turner, the Stanford University swimmer and campus celebrity convicted of three felony sexual assault charges, was seen sharing a romantic Valentine’s Day meal with former Trump campaign supremo and current shoe-shiner for former Imperial Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan David Duke, Kellyanne Conway.

According to anonymous observers, the pair split a box of Franzia and a bowl of plain, cheeseless pasta, while venting their frustrations with Title IX complaints and women who confront their rapists. The love birds agreed that though universities are almost universally successful in shrugging off their federally-mandated duty to address sexual assault complaints while extolling campus predators as misunderstood athletic superstar golden boys, it’s “so annoying” when women even try to make the system protect them.

“It’s a man’s world,” Conway reportedly whispered into Brock’s left ear. “I don’t understand why women think they have any control over their bodies.”

A source close to both parties reports the pair is “a match made in heaven.”