Ted Cruz confesses he only became Zodiac Killer to please his father, the killer of JFK

AUSTIN, TX – Senator Ted Cruz crumbled under pressure this morning, admitting during interrogation by the FBI that he is the Zodiac Killer. Cruz has been hiding in plain sight since committing the last of his 37 murders in northern California in the 1970s.

He carefully crafted the persona of a political buffoon to deter any suspicions of his involvement. “No one would expect anyone as inept as my public image suggests to be capable of carrying out that many murders without being caught,” Cruz said. Cruz explained that he stopped his killings when an accomplice threatened to reveal that his father Rafael assassinated President John F. Kennedy in 1963.

Due to administrative backlog, Cruz, who has advocated for the protection of lethal injection as criminal punishment, will not be tried in California, but in Texas – a death penalty state.